Standing Beside Myself

I haven’t posted in a while. I have a particular feeling. Maybe anxiety? Anxious for the future I suppose. After this summer I will have a even better understanding of myself. Lots of things will have happened. My relationship will continue to grow. My love is everything to me. I believe that I show that as much as possible. I don’t think I should slack or give myself a break just cause I’ve done good. I believe that to grow in a strong relationship means that in everything I do I should be able to say that it was productive instead of hindering. My life has hit a major milestone here recently, I became a full member of a highly distinguished order of Knights. The Kappa Alpha Order. I also should say that I managed to make a terrible mistake in the process. I allowed my judgment to be clouded and took a few hard steps back in my life. I made a fool of myself and embarrassed those around me. I’ve decided to let it stand as a marker of everything about myself I’ve decided to give up. I do love the Order and all the Brothers I now have in it. It’s has been an incredible journey thus far and promises to be even more every day.

Moving right along…

The future, still holds many things. The girl I love is graduating and moving in January. She leaves for England in two days. She is even going to present something at a honor conference in Boston later this year. Our future is something I look forward to. I am so thankful for having even the slightest chance to have her as a part of my life. She truly is amazing.

As for myself, I’m slowly progressing towards graduating myself. I start my senior level classes in Engineering and Physics. I know I’m crazy, dual majors. To top everything off, I’m teaching a junior level class, tutoring for advanced physics, trying to join an undergraduate research program, and work as a lab assistant. I can see that my time will be very precious very soon. But I have hopes of going to graduate school to get a PhD in Physics. 

Somethings in this world are worth fighting for even if you cannot hope to win!

As the one year mark approaches. I find that I can not keep you off my mind again. I was never prepared to deal with a loss in that way. I’m not really sure one can be truly prepared to loss someone so loved. My life was already in ruins by this time last year; my now Girlfriend was trying so hard to be there for me and all I could do was push her farther away. Even though you taught me to love without reserve, all I saw was hate reflected in the truest love I had known. I had lost my way long before you left, but never once tried to find a way back by turning to you. All I found after your passing was a void. I didn’t know anything at this point. i still feel like I have no knowledge. I just miss you…..

…I know you’re with me always. I know you watch over me. But the pain still remains, My desire to hear you talk to me. Make me see the nonsense of my actions. The surprise you show when I tell you something you never expected. I miss it all.

But I move forward one day at a time. With an angel in Heaven and one on earth for me. You will forever be loved and missed.

I love you Nana!!

Your Jake.

Gravity is the cause of many things. It’s effects are felt everywhere. Gravity can make anything fall in time.

       But gravity has nothing to do with how hard I have fallen!

When you burn so intensely that the fire starts to consume everything.

All that is irrelevant burns away and you get left with what will ever stand the test of time.

Stop boring me with your realism….

    Show me the imagination that can create and destroy in seconds. That thing that has brought forth a world worth living in. Real life is so much more incredible when you take the time to impose your own version in its place.  Take the time to create something unique instead of putting forth a horrible imitation of something that someone else took the time to make perfect in there own eyes.  

I was not prepared for you…

                the affects you have

                how I can’t keep you out of my head

                a part of my life

                …my other half

I cannot move forward without you…

                a rock to hold me firm

                the hand that guides me

                a saving grace to keep me

                …my path

I will be forever motivated by you…

                reason enough to continue

                a purpose beyond my own

                driven by my desire for you

                …my life

I am now happy because of you…

                the look that forces me to smile

                a touch that takes my breath away

                everything about you entraps me

                …my love

At first i feared what it would mean to have you in my life.

       till one day i realized the absurdity of that fear.

Now i no longer fear, but trust that I will never have to learn what it would mean to lose you..

To start,

      I should state that I risked everything when I said goodbye.

      I thought that for sure my opportunity had passed and i was just standing in your way.

      I spent hours, days, weeks thinking about this one “what if…” and trying to figure out if i could change the outcome.

      Words can never be unspoken like hearts will can never be unbroken.

      I know i have created a hole in your heart. I know I’m the reason you suffered.  Never a day went by that the pain i caused hadn’t crossed my mind.

      I cannot return the piece of your heart i destroyed.  A wound that never seemed to heal.

      But…..

            When you gave me my last chance, I decided that i would fill the hole i created with a piece of my own heart.